Library/Breakdown Pt.2
TW FOR SUICIDE AND SELF-HARMING VERY POORLY REPRESENTED BY MY YOUNGER SELF Random Rust Angst idk Pt. 2, originally very poorly titled Rust wants to die because he is sad :I, is the continuation of Random Rust Angst idk This was written at around the same time in 2015, but was never finished. I'm unsure if I'll continue it or not Summary After being called out by both Iron and Atomus for his self-harming tendencies, Rust falls deeper in his self-loathing and ends up making a choice that he later comes to regret. Features Characters * Rust * Iron * Atomus * Zelly Locations * Atomus, Iron and Rust's home * The Rem Forest Random Rust Angst idk Pt. 2 NOT EDITED NOR REWRITTEN YET, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ____ The night stood young. Although Iron and Atomus slept soundly as they had soon forgotten about the previous incident, Rust remained awake in his room, staring empty at the ceiling as his eyes couldn't let out any more tears. Now that Atomus knew, he would just hate him even more, talk even less with him and once again just pretend that he did not even exist. Oh, he just knew how much he regretted to bring him home. After all, he was still just some street rat hanging around who happened to meet his eye...! He started to sob quietly again, curling on his side. He was such an overly dramatic cry-baby, it was all there was to him, when he couldn't defend himself and suck it up like everyone else did, he just cried and cried all the time, hoping that his tears would even let out the words that he felt unable to say. What would they even say? Probably useless things, useless like him, who did nothing but steal for himself and lie all the time, being ungrateful for all he had...! He couldn't handle it anymore, soon enough, heck! Maybe even tomorrow as soon as he was up, they would go and kick him out, after all, why wouldn't they? It was only a natural reaction. He would be back to where he belonged. Outside, in nowhere... All alone again... And he was so terrified of that thought, but all his life pointed to it, he was meant to be alone forever and always despised by others. Who would want such a disgusting and selfish creature like him anyway?! Atomus only took him in because he needed a replacement for Iron... But he... he never actually liked him in the first place... did he? He covered his head with this thought, he was right... He didn't ever matter... He just felt exhausted and cried himself to sleep with his thoughts. There just had to be a way... The night soon flew by and the Sun shined bright in the sky, its rays blocked by the dark curtains from the boy's room. His night had been filled with nightmares but he did not squirm nor move a single time, let alone get up from his soft warm bed as he numbly let those vile creatures and monsters from his dreams attack him as they pleased, ripping, smashing and eating him alive. But after what felt to be forever, he soon woke up, and just slowly sat up on the bed, trying to open his eyes as if he was a mole staring at a bright light, and just decided to keep them closed, picking his golden pocket watch to check the time but not actually paying attention to it. He got sloppy dressed and walked off the room with slow zombie like steps, checking on his so called family. - Hey Rust, your eye bags seem extra sharp today, didn't you sleep? - Iron asked curious yet worriedly as he saw Rust passing by the living room. Why was he even being so casual? He let out an annoyed "hm" sound in reply to him and just stopped, unsure of where he was even trying to go. - Hey hum... Are you still mad at me because of yesterday? Mad? Mad?! He expected him to be alright the day after?! - I'm going out... - Humph. Whoa. Thanks for replying. Where are you off to? - I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME, IF I DIDN'T REPLY THEN LEARN TO TAKE A HINT! - He shouted releasing just a bit the frustration he had bottled up, panting a bit - ...And I... I am going out... for a morning walk...! Why do YOU care so much all of a sudden?! Iron showed no reaction to his outburst, staring at him unamused - A simple "yes" would suffice. And its 3pm. Fix your clock. Rust clenched his teeth and stormed out of the house, slamming the door on his way. Who cares about what time it is?! He kept walking, he didn't even know where he was going and his anger soon started to mix with his sadness, which took over his whole being once again. He covered his head in frustration, rambling to himself while feeling miserable about his whole existence in general. Was there ever a point in him existing? He had no real family, his only talent was fixing stupid clocks and all he did was to go around and steal from others, making every single being around him so upset that he was such a selfish jerk! He kicked rocks in the way as the thoughts kept coming to him while he tried to stop wanting to cry all the bloody time! As he kept walking, he noticed a large bridge connecting two cliffs in the distance that crossed over a seemingly bottomless river. A new thought came to his mind while he stared at it... If he died... everyone would be happy... He'd be saving Atomus the work of sending him away, and Iron would be satisfied at last. Not like his feelings even mattered in the first place... He didn't have anything else to live for, no nothing, so what was even the point of being around as the stupidest most useless waste of space to ever live? He closed his eyes as tears streamed down his cheeks when he realized how right he was, and headed for it, to check it out. It was a medium sized bridge, built in rock, and below, the distant blue water was so dark it almost seemed black. Perhaps it was actually bottomless, but his tears did not allow him to see it that well. The thought of dying had been following him for a while. He would disappear, and everyone would be happy... He would do anything as long as his constant suffering and sadness were to stop... Would it hurt to drown? He was a mediocre swimmer but there wasn't any way that he would regret this. He climbed the side of the bridge and sat on it, looking down in sadness and sobbed to his hands. Maybe he should have warned Atomus about this...? He wouldn't actually care though... If he were to even notice that he was gone, he probably would shrug and just celebrate with Ron, who would be filled with happiness for him being gone. And if Ron was there to watch him, he'd just ask why he was taking so long, and as soon as he jumped, he'd just ask for him to be doing a flip, and it would just be an amazing show. He felt frozen in his place, just a single push, losing a little balance, getting startled even... That's how far he was from falling and losing his life forever, but yet, he couldn't seem to move himself to do it. If this was some second chance crap, then he was taking none of it! He forced himself to get up from where he sat and took a deep breath. This was it. He cleaned his tears to his sleeve as more kept pouring out and his heart raced as he felt more and more horrified of what he was doing, yet his shaking body didn't make him lose his balance. What if it hurt? What if it actually hurt? What if in the end, he didn't die and just got lost underwater in the darkness, eternally suffocating? He didn't want it to hurt. He just wanted it to be over quick... If it hurt... No! If he kept thinking that, he wouldn't do anything at all, and he didn't come all this way for nothing! In a quick move, he pushed himself forward, feeling his heart freeze with the speed that he fell, it was so horrifying... He just closed his eyes shut but before he could think of anything else, some unknown force quickly grabbed and pushed him to the side as they fell in a lower ground(wtf????) nearby. As soon as he felt the rough ground and grass under his body, he just gasped scared, still shaking uncontrollably and looked around. This wasn't water, what just happened?! - Ow... O-Oh no, are you alright?! Are you hurt anywhere?! - a female voice called out from his side and as he looked back, he felt horrified as he saw what seemed to be a girl, in a purple and orange jesterish outfit with dark grey skin and purple eyes, but his mind did not focus much on her as he just started to cry, shaking his head - No! No! NO! WHY?! THIS IS NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN! WHAT DID YOU DO?! - H-Hey calm down first! I just saved you! - THIS IS WRONG! IT'S NOT MEANT TO GO LIKE THIS! She went to him and grabbed him by his shoulders - DON'T YOU REALIZE THE DANGER YOU WERE PUTTING YOURSELF INTO?! WERE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?! He just looked at her, shaking in fear - W-Why w-won't you l-let me die...? N-nothing's worth living anymore...! - He cried and the girl just gasped as she heard him. - D-Do you mean you were actually...? Oh no... You do realize that there are dangerous creatures down there and they could hurt and kill you, right?! - Y-Yeah, so...? I JUST WANT TO DIE, WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?! LEAVE ME ALONE! - NO, THAT'S WRONG! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?! He tried to reply but looked down and just sobbed harder as no words came from his mouth and without a second thought, she just hugged him tightly, silencing him completely - ...Shh... Fine, it's fine, just calm down... - She said softly. He remained motionless as he didn't know how to react to the girl's sudden gesture and just closed his eyes as he kept sobbing quietly. She sighed a bit sadly and rubbed his back - Don't do that again, okay...? You got me scared... He just nodded in reply. He was the one who was scared. His whole body was shivering, he had been in scary situations before but this one was absolutely horrifying. No... He didn't want to feel it again... Not like that... The girl was so warm though... - ...Did you calm down...? - She asked softly as if not to startle him but he gasped a bit and nodded - Y-Yes... - Good... What happened, uh... What's your name? - I'm... Rust... - Rust, right... I'm Zelly by the way. - Hum... - he looked down a bit shy and awkwardly as she spoke - It's fine. You don't have to reply to that. But still, what happened? - It doesn't matter... She frowned a bit and let go of him - Look, I know I'm just some stranger, but if there's any way that I can I help... You can trust me. - W-Why would you care...? You're just doing this out of pity... - Oh, don't be like that... He kept looking down sadly, even if he were to say what happened, how would he even explain that he tried to take his life because he was sad for his adoptive father not caring about him? Wasn't that overreacting just a little bit? - It's nothing special... - he mumbled. - You sound like you haven't spoken much of it... - Not really... - Have you spoken with a friend then? He teared up a bit - N-No... J-Just someone related to it... - How so? - M-My fake brother... - Explain... - W-Well, Yesterday, he wanted me to k-kill myself, so I tried but then he came along to "help" and said he cared, but I doubt it because today it was all the same... - He told you to kill yourself today again?? That's horrible...! - N-No, he didn't, but I could tell that he was salty about it so I snapped and left... - Ah... So let me get this straight. Your brother tells you to kill yourself and then pretends to care? And you got upset with him and left to go here, is that it? He slowly nodded in reply and Zelly just frowned - Well that's rude! Do you guys usually fight like that? - Sometimes, yes... He always held a grudge against me, and I held one against him... - Why though? And you still shouldn't do that just because he told you to... - Yes, I know, I heard that already...! - He said annoyed and covered his mouth - S-Sorry... - Eh, it's cool. But why do you hold grudges against each other? - I-It's a long story... - I'm all ears. He sighed in reply as he felt like he should tell her about it, despise the fact that everything would sound out of context to her - It's our adoptive father... My brother lived with him, but then fled from home and when I was adopted to the family, our father was really upset because of him leaving so I tried to help as I could and it was only him and I... - he mumbled, looking at girl with a light blush to check if she was even listening and noticed she kept an attentive look with a hand on her chin. - ...? Why did you stop? - O-Oh, hm... And a year later, my brother came back... a-and he was mad at me because I was replacing him... And I was mad because he made our father suffer and since then we fought... T-That's it... - Hm. That's a messed up story but I think I got it... - I'm sorry... - Huh? What for? - She asked a bit confused - For talking so much... Y-You should m-maybe go home... It's not worth to be here... She looked a bit worried at him- What are you saying? It's fine, really... - I doubt it... - Hm. Say, how about I have a little word with your "brother"? Maybe I could try to help you guys get along? He stared at her curiously and shook his head - N-No, t-that won't do any good... - It most probably will, don't be afraid. It's going to be alright. - She said smiling and he just kept staring at her with his sad look. - I-It won't help... She got up and helped him up as well - You never know... Besides, maybe he has some other reason and you guys just lack communication. He kept looking down shyly - Why would he have any other reason...? He hates me and it's just that... - he mumbled sadly. - You can never really know... - I-I know it's like that... She noticed how he kept his head hanging low and placed her hand under his chin and raised his head, noticing his eyes filled with tears again. - ...You've got to trust me, alright...? - She said with a smile. Soon, they were back at his house and Rust just knocked on the door. He kept his head hanging low while Zelly waited impatiently. Soon Iron opened the door, frowning a bit. - Oh Rust… You're back... and... Zel? Rust gasped and looked at Zelly who looked surprised and raised an eyebrow at him - Wait... Iron? Are you Rust's fake brother? - Fake broth- Oh! Huh, yes. - Iron gasped surprised and Zelly looked a bit worriedly at Rust who just nodded slowly then she gazed back at Iron. - I would just like to have a talk with you both... Especially you, Iron. - Do you know each other...? - Rust mumbled quietly and Zelly nodded in reply with a cold look as she gestured for Iron to come outside - Yes… We're friends. Iron glared a bit at Rust as if blaming him for something but for once Rust didn't glare back as a reply, instead he just faced down and kept a sad numb look. After finding a better spot, Zelly made both boys sit down on the grass and sat herself as well, taking a deep breath - Very well... I am still trying to understand more of what is happening with you, but for now... Rust, if you don't mind. Iron, do you know how I found him? Iron raised an eyebrow, the looked at Rust who simply tried to run away from his gaze - No...? - Take a guess. - She said, crossing her arms. - How should I know? He stormed out of the house just like that, so I let him be and I didn't hear anything until now with you... - he kept looking at Rust as he spoke but the boy refused to look. - Aha... You see... When I met him, he was throwing himself from a bridge. And you guys had some sort of fight... Iron gasped - W-Wait, what?! - He looked at Rust shocked - Last night I told you NOT to do anything! Zel, yes we had a fight, but I later apologized! Rust, did you seriously do that?! Rust just stared at him, frozen as he didn't know what to say. He was shivering since they were supposedly arguing because of him but nodded with a shocked look - Y-Yes... - No... Y-You're kidding, right?! - He asked with a clearly devastated look and just covered his head in frustration - If I hated you and you hated me, y-you could just tell me to fuck off, instead of doing... that... Rust just kept shivering as he felt the pressure from both 'maren. Rust just kept shivering as he felt the pressure from both 'maren. It was all his own fault - B-But I-I... N-No...! I've b-been meaning to do it for a while a-and now it w-was the p-perfect time...! Y-You'd finally be rid of me and so w-would Atomus...! - No! I didn't want you to go this far! - I j-just wanted to do s-something that was r-right for once... - No! W-What you did was wrong! A-Are you s-stupid or something?! Y-You could have gotten yourself killed! - Iron said in frustration. Zelly glared at him quietly, but clearly he was covering his sadness with anger. Rust just trembled in fear - T-That was the p-point... - Well it's wrong! - ... - Rust just stared and kept shaking as he said this, trying not to cry so much. He couldn't understand why Iron was so angry with him for that, but it frightened him - ...W-What am I suppose t-to do then...? - Live! He glanced quiet at him - Live...? W-What else is there to live for?! I'M NOT LIVING, I JUST EXIST AND I'M NOTHING! - He said as tears ran through his cheeks - AND EVEN THAT IS WRONG! I KNOW YOU HATE ME, I KNOW HE HATES ME AND HE'S TIRED OF ME! I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU ALL A FAVOUR! I WANTED TO MAKE MYSELF A FAVOUR AND END IT ONCE AND FOR ALL! I d-don't want to "live"! C-Can't you see t-that...? - He sobbed as both Iron and Zelly stared in shock. Zelly was quick to go comfort him, but Iron just kept staring, unsure of what to even think. The fact that it was his fault that things turned out like this just kept tormenting him. Imagining the effect his words had... Well, Rust overreacted, and A LOT! But still... His thoughts were soon interrupted when an older maren approached them. Rust quickly recognized him as Atomus and quickly faced away in shame. However Atomus was quick to notice this. - ...Ron, you left the door open. And... What happened now? - He asked with a sigh. - N-Nothing! Nothing happened. - Rust quickly said, hoping they would take the hint. Zelly was about to comment but remained quiet as she had never trusted the older maren due to his strange vibes. - I heard it, don't lie. I want to talk to you, Rust. Whenever you have the time to stop begging for attention, let me know. Without another word, he walked away and they remained quiet, Iron just gazed dull as if the whole thing was still processing for him, but Rust just lowered his head in shame, getting away from Zelly, mumbling for her not to worry. - ...I'm sorry but I don't like him. - She said but Iron didn't reply as his mind wasn't really present and she gazed at Rust - Are you alright...? The boy just shook his head, mumbling quietly in a sad tone - N-No... You shouldn't be bothering with me... I... I should go now... He wants t-to talk... - He said as he felt more scared than nervous and Zelly just frowned. - I hope it goes well... I'll drop by a visit tomorrow, you can hang out with us if you want. It may help you cheer up. He just faced down - Thank you but... I'm better on my own... I'm not much of a company, I'm just a presence... - Oh don't be like that... You'll enjoy it... - Perhaps... - he mumbled uncertain - Th-Thank you really... You... You helped a lot... - He said shyly and the girl just smiled. - Anytime... He blushed lightly and nodded - Y-Yes... I-I'll go now... Hum... Bye... - he said a bit awkward and rushed away from where they were. The feeling of fear taking over once again. He walked back to their home, slowly opening the door as it seemed quieter than usual and walked in as his scared heart raced with nerves. Rust felt as if it froze as he heard Atomus calling for him. He didn't want to tell him, he didn't want for him to know of this. He just sounded so angry. He could tell that the event from the day before had already left him angry with him. Maybe he really was going to kick him out. As he cleaned the tears from his eyes, he turned to the living room where the pale man sat quietly. Rust felt like a wreck and he just knew he was in no condition to keep stable during their talk. The images from when he fell kept tormenting him and left him nauseous. But regardleds, he sat next to him on the sofa while keeping his head down in shame, remaining in silence for a while. - ...What happened this time? Were you two fighting again? - Atomus asked with a slight hint of worry, but Rust just shook his head slowly. - N-No, n-nothing happened. - He mumbled, shivering lightly as he spoke. - Stop lying. As he remained with his head down, his panic grew, he didn't even know what he was afraid of, but whatever it was, he felt terrified. He raised his head and looked at him with a forced smile - I-It was just an arguement, b-but it's over a-and w-we fixed, d-don't worry about it... Atomus kept the same glaring gaze from his ice cold eyes, and Rust felt the corners from his mouth trembling as he realized he wouldn't be believing his excuses any sooner. - I know that's not the truth. - I-I c-can't... c-can't tell you... - He whimpered. - How can I try to help if you don't tell me what happened? Were you sliting your wrists again...?? - N-No! I j-just went for a w-walk...! - He said facing down again and he held his own arms - And I-I c-can't be helped... - Yes you can. I know there's something going on, and no one here wants to hurt you either. Rust shook his head - N-No... I-I d-don't want you t-to know... - Why is that? - Y-You... Y-You already hate me enough! A-And y-you'll hate me even more if you know...! I don't want that! I-It d-doesn't matter what happened...! As he heard this, Atomus' expression turned to one of worry - Hate you? What are you talking about? You know I care about you, it's why you're here. - N-No... - He mumbled sadly, looking back at him - I know y-you like Ron a l-lot more and I w-was only a replacement and n-not good enough... I-I'm bad a-and I k-know y-you want me t-to leave, a-and I-I will! I-I p-promise y-you w-won't have to deal with me again! Atomus stared quietly - ...None of that is true. Rust... Why didn't you told me that you felt like this? You weren't ever a replacement, and believe me, I've been trying my best to treat you both equally. And you have nowhere to go, so I don't recomend that you leave... - I-I'm used to it... - ...What happened to you today? The boy lowered his head in guilt and shame while trembling lightly - I d-don't want t-to tell... - It won't make me hate you. It can't be that bad. Rust kept facing down sadly in silence as he let out a quiet mumble mixed with a whimper, practically impossible to understand, leaving Atomus confused. - Could you repeat that? - ...I t-threw myself...! - He quickly said, facing the side. - ...What is that suppose to mean...? - I-I t-threw m-myself f-from a bridge! That's it! - He said and just covered his head as if afraid he'd be hit for being a stupid idiot like that and Atomus just gasped. - W-Wait what?! No, but you could...! - Yes, I c-could have gotten m-myself killed! T-that was the point! - Oh no, Rust what were you thinking?! But, if you're here, how did you...? Why didn't you tell me about anything?! We talked about this before! - I j-just d-didn't want t-to bother you anymore... A-And that girl helped me, she caught me while I f-fell... - He whimpered. - This is all my fault. No, how could you possibly be bothering me in any way?! This is important...! And be glad because you were about to make a huge irresponsable mistake! The boy shivered while gazing sadly- I-I'm s-so sorry... I-I w-was just... I didn't know what to do! - He cried out in panic and got up, rushing to the stairs - I need to be alone...! - Rust wait. - Atomus said as the boy who kept his head low, stopped while shivering - ...? W-What is it...?! - ...What else have you been keeping to yourself all this time? The boy just gazed back at him, revealing his teal coloured eyes filled with tears with an expression of fear - P-Please, I-I need to go! I-I'm so ashamed, I c-can't stop c-crying... Stop looking at me! I-I need to be alone! Atomus got up as well, in a movement that scared Rust who just gasped and covered his head in fear - I-I'm s-sorry...! - ...Don't be. I know I'm nowhere close to being a good parent to you, but I don't like to see you like this... - He said placing his hands on his shoulders - Did you even get any sleep last night? You should go get some rest if you need to be alone... - I-I need... I need to be alone... He stepped back, gazing sadly at him and rushed upstairs to his room. Part of him wished he had been dead by now, but another felt grateful to be alive. A sharp piece of scrap metal hardly slit his tanned wrist, but it was significantly harder than when he did with his dagger. Atomus did take it away, and Rust felt horrible for having his little back up plan. But it did not work like he wanted and he just threw the piece of metal away in frustration, curling in his bed in sadness. He wasn't really crying anymore and just felt numb. Numb like if a murderer would barge in his room, he'd have no reaction and just want for him to get it over with. He just kept thinking of the girl that saved him. Would she really drop by tomorrow again...? He wasn't really that interesting to be with and must have left a terrible first impression either way. Why did he even care for that? He guessed he just had to wait a see.